There are some times when it seems like the universe aligns to bring you the best sex ever: Your libido is way the hell up there, your body confidence is through the roof, and you’re with somebody who knows every one of your buttons and exactly how to push them. And of course, there are other times when you just couldn’t be less in the mood.
But if you’re somewhere in between these two extremes—when sex is definitely on the agenda but just doesn’t really happen for whatever reason—it can be hard not to feel like it was a disappointing missed opportunity. Yeah…forget that. We’re here to let you know that there are some moments when, despite your best efforts, sex is just not going to happen. And that’s perfectly okay. So put on the sweatpants and let us know how many of these have happened to you:
You have an ingrown hair so painful that you’re pretty sure it’s trying to kill you. We get it, hair follicles, you don’t appreciate our cheapo razor. If we had known you were going to declare war on our bikini line, we probably wouldn’t have even bothered with grooming anyway.
He had all of the beers. His penis may as well have been the one paying for all of those drafts, because that’s who’s feeling the effects right now. Doesn’t matter how in the mood both of you are—if he’s not ready to perform, this is not going to happen.
The only condom you can find was shoved in the bottom of a purse you haven’t used in years. There’s about an 80 percent chance this has been around since freshman orientation, so its effectiveness is questionable at best. Just…don’t.
The season premiere of Scandal is on and you know you won’t be able to avoid spoilers tomorrow. It’s not that you like it more than sex, it’s just…sex can happen after you find out what happened to Olivia and company! Come one, it’s just one hour…
That fast food burrito is not sitting well. So the sour cream and beans weren’t the best idea. The only way your stomach feels better is if you get into the fetal position in bed. I mean, you could try it this way?
You just got your period this morning. Don’t get us wrong—period sex can be great if you’re cool with it. But there’s a big difference between sex on your period and sex during the painful and bloody massacre that makes up the first 24 hours. That’s a whole different ball game. No matter how hot your partner looks, you won’t want them anywhere near you.
Your boss said they’d like to talk to you about something tomorrow afternoon. You could be laying in bed next to Channing Tatum and still not be able to get in the mood after something like this.
It’s so effing hot out and there’s no air conditioning. That honeymoon to Fiji sounded incredibly romantic, until you got to your mosquito-tented cabana that looks and smells nothing like the website promised. If you lay here quietly, it’s almost bearable. If you try having sex, you may break up before checkout time.
Your best friend is having a breakdown. You could be in the middle of some Fifty Shades-level kink and still get distracted by the buzzing phone when you know your friend is going through some stuff. Is she okay? Did he post a photo with that blonde girl again? Is she contemplating driving by his house? Who are you kidding, you’re not going to be having sex tonight.You notice…something…on the hotel sheets. A staycation at a luxury suite sounded amazing. You know what’s not amazing? Bedbugs. There is literally nothing that could turn that night around.There’s no lube…and you really, really need it. There are a million reasons why you may be dryer than normal (birth control, stress, allergy meds, pregnancy, breast feeding, seriously the list goes on…). But when the issue strikes and you don’t have any lube around, it’s the worst.
You’re still kind of in the middle of a serious argument. Make-up sex is one thing, but when you’re in the midst of a heated fight, it’s hard not to interrupt him mid-sex to say, “And another thing…” If you can’t shut it off for a few minutes, you probably shouldn’t be getting busy right now anyway.
They just released the next season of your show on Netflix.Decades from now, we look forward to reporting on scientific research studying how on-demand streaming affected our sex lives. For now, all we know is that the desire to watch the entire season of Orange is the New Black is the strongest desire we’ve ever had.
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